“No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.”
~ Jesus (Matthew 9:16–17)
The NIV Study Bible Notes on the above Bible verse, make the following observations about wineskins and Jesus:
In ancient times goatskins were used to hold wine.[1] As the fresh grape juice fermented, the wine would expand, and the new wineskin would stretch. But a used skin, already stretched, would break.[2] Jesus brings a newness that cannot be confined within the old forms.[3]
I was beginning to learn that this is true. The new life Jesus was bringing by His Spirit could not even be anticipated, let alone obtained through any established set of rules or religious system.
Though I was a member of the LDS Church and still held LDS Church scriptures and teachings to be true when I met Jesus, meeting Him caused my spiritual center of gravity to shift. From the moment I encountered Jesus, He became the hub and heart of my world—His Spirit my constant Companion, my gentle and trusted Teacher. My life focus was no longer fixed first on my church or family but on Jesus and what He was teaching me by His Spirit. His Presence and the influence of His Spirit began markedly changing how I saw myself, others, and circumstances.
It isn’t sufficient to say that meeting Jesus was a major turning point in my life. It was the beginning of an altogether new life within me. The insights, perspectives, and thoughts given to me through the Lord’s Spirit of love began an inner transformation that worked outward. Through His Spirit, the Lord was bringing about major changes in my beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors. He was leading me into a whole new way of life. A life that included becoming increasingly aware of and responsive to God’s presence and the promptings of His Spirit. Paul, the apostle, described it this way: “If anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God...” (2 Corinthians 5:17).
The changes in me, for the most part, were gradual and not sudden. My previous tendencies and habits of thinking and behavior remained a part of me, including my approach to young men and dating. That is until the Lord could effect His work in me.
Jesus compared the kingdom of heaven to a seed that is planted in good soil (a receptive, humble heart), nurtured, grows to maturity, and then bears fruit. This is how His Spirit was working in me. He was planting seeds by teaching me new things; transforming my previous beliefs, feelings, and behavior; and conforming me to want to think, speak, and act more like Him—out of a heart filled with God’s love.
Next in importance, after the teaching God had given me through Janice—to be watchful of ever desiring anyone or anything more than the Lord—He began imprinting His next “Law” upon my heart, mind, and spirit. It was His Law of love toward His creations. Expressly human beings, who are, each one, unequivocally precious in His sight. A Law that begins with nurturing (beginning in one’s thoughts and heart) and maintaining (by one’s treatment of others) a deep love and respect—a reverence—for life. First for every human soul, then spilling over toward all His living creations.
At home in Colorado, during the summer after I met Jesus, He helped me see myself as part of the whole of humanity. I began to see that how I treated one person affected how I perceived myself and every other person as well. If I treated one person badly, it diminished all human worth in my own eyes—my own worth included. If I treated other people well, it raised my own self-esteem and my perception of the value of others at the same time. I realized God’s love for all His creation remains the same, no matter how my own or other’s affections fluctuate. I wanted with all my heart to always have a love like His for other people and all living creation.
It was through Jesus’ love that in the years just after I was born again and began to be renewed by the Lord’s Spirit, my attitude and actions toward the young men I dated or went out with were markedly changed.
The summer after my first year of college at BYU in Provo, while I was considering my options for the next school year, one of my past high school seminary teachers came to mind. Sandy was an admirable person who seemed to shine from the inside out. She was a returned missionary; to me, that explained why she had been such a good teacher and had such a good grasp of scripture. She had also attended BYU Hawaii.
When I’d asked Sandy what BYU Hawaii was like, she’d described it in glowing terms. The thought of going to school there seemed like a promising dream, though probably out of my reach. The prospect of greenery, sunshine, and warm weather during the winter, along with multiple ocean beaches to explore was very enticing to the Colorado-grown girl that I was. All this came into play as I was contemplating future possibilities.
Finally, I decided it couldn’t hurt to at least look into attending school in Hawaii. My parents had paid for everything, including room and board, my first year of college. Moving forward, they had agreed to pay for my tuition and books—within reason, but I needed to cover my other expenses. I was working various summer jobs and would need to hold a part-time job while attending school this time.
I learned that tuition was the same at BYU Hawaii as for attending the Provo campus. That was encouraging. However, I also soon learned that travel to and from Hawaii was way more expensive than I could afford; and the cost of living there was also steep—well out of my price range. This reality took the wind out of my sails. I felt, all things considered, that I had to set this dream aside.
However, not long afterward, the airlines began having airfare wars. Suddenly, the cost of flying to and from Hawaii was something I could reasonably afford. Janice, who lived in California, had remained in contact with me through letters and phone calls. We began discussing the possibility of her and me both going to BYU Hawaii so we could be roommates and split the cost of renting a room or apartment. Soon other important details began falling into place. It appeared that God meant it to be.
My mom had a distant cousin, Eva,[*] who was living in Hawaii where her Navy-based husband was stationed. Eva happily agreed to pick us up at the airport, temporarily host us, and help us look for a place to stay near campus. I believe she was lonely with no children and her husband being away most of the year serving in the Navy. Whatever the reason, she seemed to look forward to our arrival as much as we did.
Another propitious circumstance was finding out, through friends, about a family driving from Colorado to California at just the right time. This family said they would be glad to give me a ride if I could help with a little gas money and babysitting. Janice had been wanting me to come meet and stay with her family, sometime. This became our opportunity to do that too. We planned that afterward, Janice and I could fly from California to Hawaii together. I was so excited! Everything was falling into place one needful thing at a time. And so it went, with only a few glitches along the way.
On the way to California, the van of the family I was traveling with broke down east of the Hoover Dam in Nevada. This was an unlooked-for setback. Between us, we had various good reasons for concern. Because of all the Lord had already done to open doors and make my trip to Hawaii possible, I mentioned we should pray and have faith the Lord would help us and provide. And so we did. Almost right away, the Lord answered our prayer. A man driving an empty tow truck “just happened” to be passing by and stopped to help; he also didn’t charge the family for his services because he was already headed toward Las Vegas to a location near where the van could be serviced.
Somehow, because of logistics, I ended up in the cab with the tow truck driver separated from the family I was traveling with. They ended up following in another car that had stopped to help. I wasn’t afraid, because the Lord had provided this rescue. On the way down from the mountain, we talked about all kinds of things: his family, my family, his business, and so on.
After a while, the tow truck driver asked me if I would go out on a date with him while the vehicle was being repaired. Initially, I said, “no.” But he didn’t accept that. He spent the rest of the drive trying to persuade me to go out with him. I explained I was waiting for an LDS missionary. I didn’t know him at all. I would never see him again. Eventually, because he had been so helpful and friendly, and I wouldn’t see him again, and God had used him to help us, I finally agreed to go out with him. He was very good-looking and persuasive. He just wanted to “spend some relaxing time in a friendly chat with a pretty girl.” Besides being worn down and flattered by his persistence as well, I believed he was interested in talking with me more about “the gospel” (LDS version).
Against the good advice of the family who I was with and despite my own reservations, I went out with this man. Soon I was praying again, this time with fervor that God would deliver me. I realized almost right away he was aiming to isolate me and truly wanted only one thing, which I wasn’t willing or wanting to give him—though he was sure I did. He was a tall, muscular, well-built man. This was one of the scariest and yet at the same time faith-building experiences of my life. As I desperately prayed, God gave me His peace and love toward this would-be violator. I knew God was right with me. With words God gave me as I was praying—the Lord began to work on this man’s heart. With God’s help, I was able to talk him out of going where he meant to go and then into taking me back to the family I was traveling with.
Through me, God spoke to this man the teaching He had already begun putting in my mind and heart. A reverence for life that translates into treating all people with godly love and respect. How would his father or mother want him to treat a young woman? How would this man expect his loved ones to be treated? It was through this kind of conversation that God delivered me. It also began a radical change in my perspective on dating young men. For God apparently “even” loved this man enough to help him change his course (hopefully permanently).
All the same, I was never so relieved to be let off from a date. I was immensely grateful to God for being there with me every moment of this experience until it was over! He had effectively delivered me from a girl’s worst nightmare.
Once the van was repaired, my host family and I were on our way again. We got safely and in good time to our destination in California. Janice and her family welcomed me into their home where I stayed for almost a week before we caught our flight to Hawaii.
While I was staying with Janice, she introduced me to a long-time guy friend, Jordan[†]. He came to give us a ride to an event at their ward. Beforehand, she’d talked non-stop about him until I’d become weary of hearing about him and grew to suspect her enthusiasm. She clearly liked him a lot and had strongly hinted, several times, her heartfelt belief and hope that he also saw her as more than a friend. Why then did she feel a need to make sure I was so strongly and fully apprised?
I understood when Jordan began showing an open interest in me at every turn—in the car on the way there, at the event, on the way home, and later when he came over to visit before we left for Hawaii. This was super awkward and made me sad for Janice as I saw that if he had any idea of her feelings, he didn’t return them. I didn’t know why she was so determined to tell me that he liked her as more than a friend when I could see—and I thought she could too, along with everyone else—that he didn’t. She seemed set on deceiving herself. But I still didn’t want to add to her misery by pointing this out or participating in it.
Jordan seemed bewildered by the cold shoulder I was giving him. He was very personable and not bad-looking, which made it even more difficult. He must have also seen that I acted differently with other people. Janice and her family were very kind and gracious hosts to me. I enjoyed being with them immensely. I felt bad about having to be almost mean to Jordan, but as much as Janice was deceiving herself, she was also a friend. I didn’t want her to be hurt more than she was already hurting because of Jordan’s obvious preoccupation with someone else—in this case, a friend she was hosting—and who happened to be me, of all people! I hoped once Janice and I left for Hawaii this uncomfortable situation involving Jordan would end. I had no way of knowing then about Jordan’s persistence and his determination to get to the bottom of the matter.
My mom’s cousin, Eva, picked Janice and me up from the Honolulu airport. She welcomed us with Aloha— “The Spirit of Hawaii.” She gave us a warm Island greeting, which included a generous hug and placing a traditional lei of fragrant plumeria flowers around our necks. Immediately, I noticed the air was warm but not nearly as humid as I had expected. It was perfect. Right from the start I loved everything about Hawaii. Its terrain, climate, plant and animal life, and the ocean filled me with joyful awe and wonder. With time, I grew to love the people of the islands as well, even knowing they might not all like me in return.
Eva and Janice hit it off right away. They were closer in age and maturity. Eva was friendly enough to me, but she and Janice were like long-lost friends. I was happy for them; and would have remained glad, except that over time they began to gang up on me in minding my business and bossing me around—which I didn’t appreciate. However, overall, Eva was a great hostess and bent over backward to help us get situated with housing close to the BYU Hawaii campus. We promised to visit her whenever we could.
Janice and I found a furnished place close to campus. One we could both afford, sharing a bedroom in a three-bedroom, one-bathroom house with four other female roommates, who were also students at BYU. It was a short walk to the beach, which was just on the other side of a neighboring house. We could hear the surf from our unclosable—rusted open—windows day and night. The house was mainly comfortable and clean, minus the occasional, huge cockroaches and cockroach-eating geckos (neither of those being a pleasant surprise) that lived on the seen and unseen surfaces of the house.
Several Hawaiian guys were living on the other half of our duplex. All but one were also enrolled at BYU Hawaii. It appeared that they were comparatively ultra-quiet. They seemed anxious to avoid their noisy, emotional, Haole (US Mainlander or Caucasian) neighbors. Not a few times they asked us directly—and not in a kind manner—to be quieter. They didn’t seem to have any patience with us. In time, I was pretty sure they didn’t like us at all and only just barely put up with us.
These neighbor guys were also in our student ward. One of them, along with another young man in our ward ended up being my home teachers. They were supposed to visit me, give a short teaching, and assess any needs once a month. It’s possible they visited twice during that whole school year (two semesters together) but I think it was more like once. I avoided asking them for anything—even a “priesthood blessing” when I was sick or troubled. (Priesthood blessings under my Dad’s hand had always been a source of comfort and help to me.) Once, I asked this home teacher for a priesthood blessing anyway because I was desperate. But almost immediately, I wished I hadn’t. Not only because was barely civil, but also because he was so grudging in the first place—inferring by his comments that my concern wasn’t real or significant.
I should say that by the end of the school year, a couple of these neighbors had become slightly less chilly and unfriendly. For such a “warm” island it was a long thaw. But that’s a story for the next chapter.
Before school started, Janice and I were both able to secure part-time employment. I got a job working in the Polynesian Cultural Center gift shop as a cashier and shopkeeper. I think Janice found a job on campus. Neither school nor work started right away, so we had a few days to explore the area, which we did some together and some on our own.
During this lull, I had time to ponder and realize just how distant Jed, “my missionary,” and I had grown in our time apart—and not just in miles. I no longer felt any kind of connection with him, only obligation. His letters were enthusiastic about what he was doing, but he never seemed to want me to share anything that I cared about or was doing, at all. He didn’t ask questions and sometimes even discouraged my sharing certain things. I could understand this some because missionaries were supposed to set the world aside and focus solely on the work of proselytizing. But the extreme he was taking it to was leaving us without a mutual relationship. Had he always been like this? Had I just not noticed because our physical relationship was overriding this aspect?
I remembered with some pique that toward the end of the past summer—several months after the encounter—I had finally tried sharing about meeting Jesus with Jed. I’d been hesitant to share with him at all because I’d been almost certain he would not understand how real and precious Jesus was to me now. I sensed he would take my attempts at describing my experience all wrong as others had previously done. If he misunderstood, his negative response would hurt more than anyone else’s.
It ended up being worse than I’d anticipated. He was dismissive. He acknowledged he’d gotten my letter but said we could talk about it if I still wanted to when he returned from his mission. That was it. As if this life-changing experience wasn’t important or didn’t happen. Or as if “it” could be put on hold or would go away by the time he returned from his mission. This kind of response had become a pattern, but I was still stunned when he also chose to brush off this one thing that was so significant to me. Something that was, after all, “spiritual” and not “worldly.” Something you’d think any missionary would be glad to learn and discuss with me.
In those first few days in Hawaii, with time to reflect more on his response and our “relationship” in general, I made a decision and wrote to let Jed know of it. I would still write to him if he wanted; I didn’t mean to cut him off completely; but I no longer considered us a couple. I let him know it wasn’t because I liked another guy or was being pressured. It also wasn’t because I didn’t like him as a person or believed things could never work out between us. It was because we had no real mutual understanding between us. We weren’t close or growing closer with time and correspondence. The distance in miles had revealed a spiritual and relational distance between us. I let him know that if I wasn’t committed to someone when he returned home, I would be open to seeing him again and we could go from there.
He was super upset by my letter. He thought I was being unreasonable and unfeeling. But he wanted to keep corresponding, so we did. However, it was on my terms. For this reason, after that, if a guy asked me out, I didn’t turn him down because I was “waiting for a missionary.”
Meanwhile, classes had started. I’d intended to take easy classes. I wanted to have a little time for exploring the island while I was in Hawaii. I thought my hardest class would be my literature class on Shakespeare. But my hardest class ended up being my home economics class taught by a no-nonsense culinary drill sergeant. It turns out the hardest classes are generally the ones you get the most out of and these two were no exception. I learned some helpful life-time skills in the HomeEc class, including doing things excellently and getting my assignments done on time.
My Shakespeare class expanded my mind like no other class I’d ever had. However, I’m sure I wouldn’t have appreciated it as I did, had it not resonated so much with what the Lord was in the process of teaching me about the immeasurable, unexceptionable worth of every human soul. The teacher was introducing, through Shakespeare’s writings, a profound depth and breadth of thought and insight into human nature and life that I’d never even imagined existed.
Though I struggled with the workload and some of the content, I was thoroughly engaged. I looked forward to every class session. I loved how even while the class was a continual challenge, it was opening my understanding to a profound new way of looking at people and circumstances.
The section we did on “King Leer” was especially impactful and eye-opening for me. This story pierced me with huge grief and sorrow, which came with the knowledge of the existence of such wickedness that was so opposed to God’s love. The absolute devaluation of a human life it exemplified, exposed, and amplified was an evil so contrary to God’s heart that it increased by repulsion the degree of my appreciation for Jesus’s great and glorious nature and love. It brought a whole new level of intensity to my admiration of Who Jesus is and of the vast gulf and contrast there is between good and evil.
The teacher’s emphases in the lessons and the magnificent genius of William Shakespeare’s writings worked together with the Spirit of Jesus to impress and embed deep down in my soul God’s lessons concerning the value of every individual. This class greatly increased my awareness, including towards the guys I dated.
I met a good-looking Tongan guy, Tobias,[‡] at church. At first, he seemed super sweet and shy. He asked me out and we began to spend more and more time together. I was flattered by his avid attention. But he quickly became overly possessive and pushy, trying to speed up our physical relationship and commitment to the point that he began to frighten me.
In my initial attraction to him, I had been excited and glad to let him hold my hand and kiss me whenever he wanted and as long as he wanted when we were alone. It was thrilling—at first. But I began to see by God’s Spirit the immediate effect this physical “affection” was having on him. Maybe he had never experienced this kind of physical touch before, I don’t know. I did know it was causing mayhem in his body chemistry and increasing the strength with which he felt bonded to me (though I wouldn’t have put it in those words at that time).
I felt truly awful for having aroused such strong feelings in him, but I couldn’t take back what I had allowed. He was becoming violent in his grasp of my arm or hand and his kissing and holding of me. I was terrified and saddened all at once. On what turned out to be our last date, I found myself again praying in great desperation to the Lord for help and deliverance. Again, only by God’s help, with the right words at the right moment was I able to escape that situation unscathed—but just barely.
The Lord then helped me to see that the only real, long-term solution I had for this problematic situation was to distance myself from Tobias immediately and completely. I realized things would only get worse if I didn’t. It took more prayer and God prompting me to ask various people for help, and His guiding me in how to handle circumstances of a potential meeting. (Tobias was in my ward, tried to pick me up from work, etc.) In time through these and other means God only knows, He was able to restrain Tobias from within and without until he stopped pursuing me.
This experience caused me to be far more thoughtful and careful about any physical show of affection toward the young men I dated after that. The Lord had delivered me, but I knew I didn’t ever want to repeat what had happened with Tobias. I knew Tobias hadn’t been the only one at fault.
The next date I remember having after that was with a very good-looking African guy who also worked at the Polynesian Cultural Center. He was a young man who certainly could talk about God and was all charm. He wanted to take me out to dinner at a nearby resort. I didn’t want him to know where I lived, since I didn’t know him well, so I met him in the PCC parking lot. As he drove to the fancy resort, we chatted about our families and backgrounds.
It was in the midst of this conversation that I realized with some alarm: no one knew where I was or who I was with. The Lord was giving me discernment through our conversation that this man wasn’t walking with God. He truly wasn’t interested in spiritual things at all—but only in maneuvering for the one thing men focused on the flesh are interested in. He was trying to use “religious” language and references to further his cause. He knew nothing of relationship with Jesus—which we talked about some, later while we were eating.
Once again, I found myself in a potentially compromising situation praying for God’s help. Thankfully, for most of the time, we were in a public place. This gave me an opportunity with God’s help to share with this young man something of what I had been learning about the Lord’s heart. About the Lord’s standards that start with valuing another human being and seeing and treating them accordingly.
When it was time for this man to drive me back to the PCC, because of our conversation and God’s affirmation as I was praying, I believed this young man would take me straight back without any detours. I trusted it was as safe as such a situation could be to get back into his car. It was still somewhat frightening to think of what could happen based on this young man’s character, but at least for the time being he did seem to be under the Lord’s restraining Spirit. I hoped and prayed this restraint would last for the rest of our date and into his future. I didn’t stop praying until I was safely out of his car, and he had gone. My prayers then turned to expressing gratitude to God, again, for His help and protection. I had so much to learn.
I did not agree to another date with this young man when he asked; I did encourage him to seek God’s heart and get and stay on the straight and narrow path for the sake of his present and future relationships. We settled on being friends to see how that went, and that’s how things remained the whole time I was in Hawaii.
One day when I was hanging out at the beach alone, skipping church, and taking a mental health break, a sailor approached me. He asked if he could sit and chat with me for a bit. We had a pleasant conversation. He was kind and positive, and I could tell he was a nice person. He asked if he could see me again. We exchanged phone numbers. I met him at various public (safe) locations for a time, until I felt comfortable giving him my address. Whenever he could, he traveled from the other side of the island to see me. He was kind, respectful, and always sweet to me; but he was not LDS, and I could tell he didn’t know the Lord, though he expressed respect for his religious, moral upbringing. That he wasn’t LDS and didn’t know the Lord was a big deal to me, but neither of these were important to him.
These weren’t the only things we didn’t have in common. There were a lot of smaller things. For him, it seemed enough that I was a girl, he was a guy, and we got along well when we were together. But for me, there weren’t many ways I could relate with him. For example: he was all into sports and relaxing beer parties with friends. I was not into either of these things at all. He had no interest in religious or philosophical discussions. I thrived on them. And so on it went. He didn’t seem to notice the disparity in our backgrounds, conversations, or ways of thinking—at all. Meanwhile, I was beginning to feel—with all my soul—our lack of compatibility. It was hard for me to fathom, but it was becoming apparent that the less attraction I felt toward him, the stronger his feelings seemed to grow toward me.
I’d kept our physical relationship to hand-holding, if that. When I began to see how incompatible we were and that he seemed to be growing more and more attached to me, I began avoiding him. I stopped taking his phone calls or replying to his letters. After I’d been avoiding him for a few weeks, he just showed up one day, declared his feelings for me, and asked me to marry him!
Though I would have liked to continue as friends with him, he let me know he wouldn’t settle for that. I also realized it wouldn’t be kind to let him believe he had a chance when he didn’t. I had to let him know, in no uncertain terms, I didn’t want to see him anymore, since we couldn’t just be friends. This was really hard. He was a genuinely nice guy. I could tell he was heartbroken. But he was respectful and took me at my word. After that, we stopped corresponding, and I never saw him again.
During the time we were seeing each other, some people—including my former self—might have considered me prudish in my physical relationship with this sailor. But I was super glad I hadn’t allowed more. I had treated this young man as he was—someone I was not married to. Someone who was someone else’s son, brother, and maybe future husband. A friend. In the end, I had no regrets about how I had behaved toward him.
One weekend, Janice and I were finally able to get to Eva’s house for a visit. While we were there, we decided to hike from Eva’s house up past some ruins to a monument that Eva thought we might like to see. While we were hiking, an exceptionally friendly, vibrant, fit, tanned, good-looking young man came along from behind and slowed to talk with us. He said he was visiting with his family from Arizona on vacation. Soon he and I were deep in conversation, and he seemed intent on continuing it.
I felt impressed by the Lord’s Spirit to go with him when we could have parted ways. I realized that Eva and Janice were concerned. As gracefully as they could, they tried to talk me into going home with them without offending this young man. I tried to reassure them privately that I had the Lord’s go-ahead, but they weren’t convinced. Still, I felt like I should follow the Lord’s leading rather than submit myself to their fears since I had His peace and assurance about it.
So I left them and went with this young man to where his family was staying. He wasn’t lying about his situation. His family was vacationing in Hawaii. They were disinterestedly going in and out of their luxury hotel rooms all the rest of that afternoon and evening, and while we talked late into the night. I called Eva to let her know the situation and that I was going to stay there and sleep on the couch I’d been offered. I didn’t want to walk to her house, alone in the dark, and I didn’t say it, but I didn’t want to ask the young man to accompany me—I didn’t feel I should be alone with him. I told Eva I would return straight home in the morning. And I did.
Meanwhile, the Lord used me to share with this young man that God could help a person overcome addictions and give a person self-discipline as needed. It turns out, that because of his family’s wealth and his own overconfidence in himself, he couldn’t see his need for God and thought he had self-control when he wanted it. He had kept himself mostly sober while on vacation with his family. Much later, as we kept in contact, I learned he’d gone into rehab for his alcohol problem. I didn’t learn much more than that, but this let me see that maybe the Lord had used our conversation to move this young man to acknowledge he had a problem and to get some help one way or another. I could hope.
Sadly, I could tell as soon as I returned to Eva’s the next morning that she and Janice thought I’d been involved in other, less-than-admirable activities that night. They were angry and frustrated with me and weren’t willing to believe me. That hurt—a lot. I could understand how they’d see things the way they did, but I thought they both knew me better than that. Apparently, they didn’t.
If I were in their shoes, I might have judged as they did. I’m sure I appeared rebellious to them in the first place when I didn’t follow what they saw as good (sound and safe) advice. The truth is, at an earlier time in my life, not even that long before this happened, they would have been fully justified in being so concerned and in giving me strong counsel, then judging, as they did. I would have been acting willfully to go with the young man on my own (without God’s prompting) if I had no self-control in this area of my life—which I didn’t until the Lord intervened!
As it happened, this situation caused me to chafe more than ever under Eva and Janice’s joint minding of my business and pressuring me to do what they considered right for me—without their having any confidence in me or my account of what happened. This breach in the trust between us significantly damaged my relationship with both of them. It was maintained by their unity (keeping each other going) in their beliefs about me. The unfairness of their assessment added an unbearable weight to the rub. I felt alone and grieved, but there was nothing I could do about it.
For a while I felt bad that I hadn’t considered how my actions might affect my relationship with either of them—you know, by avoiding even the appearance of evil. But with time I saw that each of them had also made a choice (to disbelieve my account), and that choice was continuing to affect my relationship with each of them. It was distressing not to be able to do anything about it. Eventually, I had to let it go and just try to get along with them as best I could.
Later that semester, a friend set me up with a nice, pleasant-looking, LDS guy because of my height. I was told he had trouble finding dates because he was short. He was hoping to find someone as short or shorter than him. Apparently, I fit that bill.
Evidently, that’s not enough to base a relationship on. Neither was my pity. I gave him extra leniency despite his rotten attitude, dating him longer than I would have dated someone else with such an attitude. I let him get away with more because I felt sorry for him due to the handicap of his shortness. Pity is a bad reason to date anyone. This seemed only to reinforce for him that he could behave badly toward me with less and less reserve.
At first, we had meaningful conversations and enjoyed each other’s company. But he didn’t like my restraint on our physical relationship. Despite our conversations, he began to accuse me of holding a bias against him because of his shortness, proved in his mind by the fact that I wouldn’t give in to him. That pressure along with his increasingly unkind criticisms of me and his self-absorption eventually drove me away, not his shortness of stature.
From this, I learned pity is a form of disrespect. It had caused far more hurt than good. It went against what God had been trying to teach and instill in me about valuing others. Honesty is always best. This young man’s attitude, not his stature, was his real handicap. However, I didn’t have the guts to tell him. Not all people are willing or able to hear such things about themselves. I didn’t believe he was. Only God knows whether I should have said something or not. I’m kind of sorry I didn’t find a way. Eventually, he must have sensed my distaste for being around him along with my dishonesty because he stopped coming around.
Meanwhile, I had two increasingly entrenched critics to deal with when it came to dating. My dating had been pretty traumatic overall.
Janice attributed all my “failures” to dating one-on-one. All the troubles, real and imagined, that she could discern I’d had with guys were proof to her of this. She was probably right. Doing things in groups might be the ideal way to meet up with and date guys. The truth is, I didn’t see or have the energy to find opportunities for doing this. It didn’t appear to be an option in my existing world. I did try to date in public places; that was part of the wisdom God was teaching me. But Janice didn’t see this as anything like what she meant by group dating.
Of course, Eva was in communication and agreement with Janice. Especially after the “overnight with a guy I didn’t know incident,” they seemed to think that between them they had me figured out and knew better than I did what I should do and what was best for me.
Janice believed God had set her up as my spiritual mentor, which I had also believed at first. But as time went on, it appeared she had misinterpreted this to mean she should be my ultimate judge and boss. She had, in fact, judged me and found me wanting. Our relationship had already disintegrated because of this.
I’m not saying here that Janice was never right or justified in any of her evaluations of me. Many times, she had been right on target. Earlier, even when it was painful I often came around to appreciating these insights sooner or later. I also appreciated her intent to serve and show her love by sharing the wisdom it seemed God had given her. I did learn a great deal from our conversations as well as her general, good counsel—especially at first. She was a remarkable person.
This only made it hurt more when she so badly misjudged me and sometimes seemed so determined to change me. I loved Janice as my first sister and mentor in Christ. I greatly admired her.
She was usually very outwardly gentle in her approach toward me. At first, this had been comforting and helpful. Later, it became confusing as I also felt her underlying anger when she was thwarted in her attempts to control me. After our falling out, I became resistant to even hearing, let alone accepting her counsel because I couldn’t trust her anymore, no matter how she approached me. Seeing our relationship fall apart this way made me sad. There didn’t seem to be a thing I could do about it. I didn’t even know how to pray about it.
I had come to learn, she was, though often inspired, still only human like the rest of us. Sometimes the things she had counseled went against my conscience. Either that or I wasn’t sure about doing (or not doing) what she thought I should do (or should not do), so I would hold off doing or not doing something she’d counseled. Sometimes not her counsel, but only her timing seemed off. She seemed to dislike my making any decisions on my own and to believe I should always consult her first. When I didn’t, we ran into difficulties. She seemed certain I would be sorry for not listening to her or seeking her advice. This was probably true some of the time.
From her, I learned that it is not healthy for any one person to expect another to rely on her (or him) at every turn. Only God can be that kind of mainstay for us—all the time. As Christ-followers, we shouldn’t covet or seek the place in another’s life that only God can and should hold. We should only ever be pointing each other to the Lord and never be trying to be the Ultimate Counselor to another person. We should also leave “final” judgment to the Lord.
During our first semester, Jordan, Janice’s heartthrob came to Hawaii for a visit. While he was there, he again showed interest in me and sought me out. He was a little more reserved this time. It seems Janice had informed him I was waiting for a missionary. He was not happy with Janice when he learned I wasn’t waiting anymore. He knew she knew this and had misled him. He began to press me to know why—since I wasn’t “waiting”—I wouldn’t spend any time with him. Why I wasn’t giving us a chance to get to know each other.
I asked him if he knew how Janice felt about him, then he became even more exasperated. He insisted he had never said or done anything to indicate to her that they were more than the best friends they’d always been. According to him, she’d done something similar in the past with someone else he’d been interested in. He’d thought that after having worked through that situation with Janice, they had come to an understanding and that they were, more than ever, established as firm friends.
He didn’t like how Janice had been trying to manipulate our relationship—which I could very much relate to, though I didn’t say this. He told me he would talk with her again and clear things up. I wasn’t looking forward to having to live with Janice afterward. Things were already so rocky with her. I sensed that Jordan’s visit might just seal the end of my friendship with her. And sadly, I was right. She was barely on speaking terms with me after Jordan’s visit. I was truly sorry to lose her friendship altogether. But to be honest, I was also relieved to be free of her expressed need to run my life. Once she left Hawaii, we lost touch. I never saw her again.
Reflecting on this situation later, I saw that Janice’s manipulations had backfired on her big time. They set Jordan and me up as a unit of “us” against her efforts to determine our lives for us. Her efforts—which we learned were more than I’ve mentioned—to keep us apart and have Jordan for herself, brought Jordan and me together as nothing else probably would have done. These manipulations became the basis for and beginning of our relationship, which lasted for many years—always wavering between friendship and something more (until Jordan found and married his special someone).
After Jordan talked with Janice, there was no reason in his mind that we couldn’t spend time together before he had to leave. At this point, I began to agree. It was still an awkward situation, so we avoided being together while Janice was present. I soon saw that Jordan was all the good things Janice said he was, including personable—which I was already well aware of by then. He was very likable, and I found I did like him—a lot. If nothing else, he was the best kind of friend—a good listener, thoughtful, and wise in his counsel.
Another thing I had liked about both Janice and Jordan was that while I was an introvert, they were people-persons. I admired this about them. They were very sociable and always reaching out to others. Both of their families were lower-middle class, bordering on poor. Rather than being preoccupied with material things, their focus was on relationships with their families and friends. I’d seen this first-hand when I’d stayed at Janice’s on my way to Hawaii. To me, their focus on and devotion to their families and friends was refreshing—even enviable. I felt like through Jordan’s friendship I was gaining something larger than just us two.
However, Janice had also mentioned to me that in the past Jordan had been a womanizer. She said he had been changing, but that at one time he’d always had at least one young woman or another on a string. I wasn’t sure whether or how much of this was true, since it appeared Janice had been trying to keep us apart when she’d noted this to me.
At the same time, I didn’t know Jordan well enough to ask him or trust his word on the matter. As much as I hated it, this possibility made me wary of ever giving my whole heart to Jordan. Even so, before he left Hawaii, he had persuaded me we should keep in touch through letters and phone calls. And we did. One trait Janice hadn’t mentioned, but which he certainly had in spades, was persistence.
To be sure, I was pleasantly surprised—it also meant a lot to me—when sometime during the following semester Jordan, again, flew to Hawaii for another visit purely to spend time with me. It helped me believe that he maybe did like me, exclusive of others, because he was willing to take the trouble and make sacrifices to explore possibilities. I was touched and flattered. Of course, to spend time with him I had to ditch a few classes and do some juggling. I had some class assignments I couldn’t put off, and I still had to work a few hours since I couldn’t trade with others to get the whole time off. But we spent as much time as possible together while he was there.
Being with Jordan in person also ended up being an opportunity to practice treating him as Jesus had been teaching me to treat the young men I dated. It helped that Jordan wasn’t pushy; nevertheless, we were attracted to each other like magnets.
Being with Jordan, and knowing Jesus was there at the same time, helped me respect myself and Jordan in a way I had never thought possible before. I didn’t realize until then how much my approach to dating and being with guys had changed. How much I had changed. Jesus’s influence had transformed my heart in this regard and other ways. He was reshaping my life and making me into a more loving and caring person from the inside out.
It was also a good thing Jordan was a gentleman and didn’t push beyond what I wanted to allow physically. The more time I spent with him, the more I liked him and wanted to be close to him. It was hard not to allow more than holding hands and moderate hugging and kissing. He remarked once after a powerful moment of temptation that he had never met anyone with so much loving and caring self-restraint. I understood exactly what he meant. It was then I knew for sure it wasn’t me alone. It wasn’t my self-discipline. It was Christ with me. I tried to help him understand this. I know it gave him a great deal to ponder. It gave me a lot to think about as well. I was becoming a different person, living a new life, not even close to my former ways.
And, since then, truthfully, also thankfully, not much has remained the same in my soul following the experience of meeting Jesus—except Jesus. My attitude and behavior toward the young men I dated certainly changed.
All the renovations Jesus has made in my soul since I met Him have brought me greater peace, joy, love, and fulfillment. Though some of these transitions have not come without some major rearranging, revamping, or throwing out of things, additions, and so on that have been difficult and painful; truly, all the changes have been well worth any temporary suffering—sort of like childbirth. Things new and more wonderful than I could have ever imagined for myself have been and are still being born in me.
To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.
(Jude 1:24–25)
[*] Not her real name.
[†] Not his real name
[‡] Not his real name.
[1] Cross reference Jos 9:4, “they resorted to a ruse: They went as a delegation whose donkeys were loaded with worn-out sacks and old wineskins, cracked and mended.” Study notes: “‘they resorted to a ruse.’ Motivated by their fear of Israel’s God, the Gibeonites used pretense to trick Joshua into a treaty that would allow them to live....” (NIV Study Bible Notes, Fully Revised Edition NIV Study Bible, Copyright © 1985, 1995, 2002, 2008, 2011 by Zondervan, accessed 7/12/2024, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%209%3A16%2D18&version=NIV&resource=nivac-matthew&tab=study).
[2] Cross reference Job 32:19, “inside I am like bottled-up wine, like new wineskins ready to burst.” Study notes: “‘new wineskins ready to burst.’ Old wineskins might be expected to crack or break (see Mt 9:17 and note), but not new ones. Elihu is obviously eager to speak.” NIV Study Bible Notes.
[3] “Matthew 9:17,” NIV Study Bible Notes.
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