Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)
In an earlier chapter, I shared about my ongoing struggle with depression, a challenge that began in my teen years. In the last few chapters, I’ve been trying to describe how after I was spiritually reborn through meeting Jesus, He began transforming my life in many ways through His love. In this final chapter, I want to disclose why some traits, like my inborn tendency to depression, were not as soon transformed. This and other negative inclinations, habits, and character traits remained part of me, though they weren’t as predominant for a long while after I was born again. They had a lesser hold on me while I felt the Lord’s presence with me; His strong, loving presence influencing me for good.
Then, some months after meeting Jesus, I noticed I didn’t feel the Lord’s presence with me all the time anymore. Remember my background. My feelings were the strongest indicator to me of what was true or not. When I didn’t feel the Lord’s Spirit with me, I worried that I’d done something wrong to alienate and distance Him. Fretting and worrying about “losing God’s Spirit”—which I believed was possible through my unworthiness—kept me from hearing, sensing, or feeling that the still, quiet Spirit of the Lord was, in truth, now always with me.
The delusion that I could and still needed to make myself worthy to have the Lord’s Spirit as my constant companion was deeply embedded. So deeply, that even after my experience—of the Lord filling me with His Spirit and revealing Himself to me despite my unworthiness—I still didn’t get it. I could never be worthy through my own efforts. I didn’t comprehend, in even a small way, that the Lord’s indwelling, guiding Spirit is a totally unearned gift of grace—freely given—through the worthiness, works, and sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Nor did I understand that once you become part of the family of God through spiritual rebirth, the Lord’s Spirit will “never leave you nor forsake you.”[1]
My bad theology—my huge misunderstanding of who God is and how He works—was preventing me from seeing the truth. As long as I harbored wrong beliefs, they would continue to hurt me. Though my heart had been truly transformed, my mind was not, yet. I still had a long, long road ahead!
Even while the Lord was teaching me His love for others through a variety of circumstances, I didn’t catch on to the fact that His Spirit had to be with me for Him to do this. It was His influence, His Spirit of Love that was changing me. His Spirit was prompting me to new ways of thinking and behaving that didn’t come from me. Ways that weren’t natural to me. They were coming from the Lord’s Spirit of love working in me. Nevertheless, in the moment, somehow this understanding escaped me. My beliefs were keeping me in the dark. Unless I could feel it, I didn’t think to believe it.
This is one reason some transformations have taken much longer than others for me. Real and lasting changes often take time—maybe even a lifetime and then some. Even now, after many years of walking with the Lord, I’m far from perfect in God’s love and ways! Yet I still have hope because He has been so faithful to continue working and instilling in me His loving, healing precepts and practices. Despite all my shortcomings, He is making progress in me. Enough that, along with the Apostle Paul, I am “confident of this, that he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phillipians 1:6).
I have real hope because of the work He has already done in me. Even as small as it may seem to others, it’s a big deal to me. Especially, considering where I was when He began. Often, when I feel discouraged God will remind me to acknowledge the good things He has done in me and return to my hope and trust in Him. Usually, it’s because of my own pride that I struggle to have anything near the patience with myself (and others) that the Lord seems to have with me (and them).
With my human nature getting in the way, it would still be many years after my spiritual rebirth before the Lord could deliver me from some of the greatest misconceptions I held. The major victories over depression and my other negative tendencies would have to wait. He’s had a lot of preliminary humbling and reteaching to do in me first, before He could begin to lay the foundations for these victories.
While I was living in Hawaii that first time, the Lord began the process of healing my mind of depression in earnest. At least that’s when I first noticed. That was when I first began to doubt that His Spirit was in fact indwelling me and was always with me.
I would let negative assessments of my performance by my teachers, fellow students, boss, co-workers, roommates, housemates, and dating partners bring me down into a dark pit of despair. Whether these judgments or appraisals were spoken, written, implied, or assumed (by me), I would dwell on them and feel hurt by them, over and over again—as was my habit.
I slipped into this kind of darkness far too easily because I didn’t have any discernment. I didn’t understand that just because a thought was in my head didn’t mean I had to own it. I didn’t realize that thoughts can come from other sources besides our own minds, or that we can—in fact, we should—choose which thoughts to keep and which thoughts to toss, which thoughts to believe and which thoughts to re-examine in the light of new insight, as God reveals more truth (as much as we’re able and willing to receive).
I knew that my heart and life had been changed through meeting Jesus and that His Spirit of love continued to make welcome changes in me and my relationships with others. Though I recognized His voice, I didn’t understand I needed to discern between His voice and other voices, including the thoughts of my own mind or other short-sighted human minds.
Also at the time, although I knew evil spirits called the devil and demons existed, I hadn’t begun to comprehend the insidiousness of their work in the human mind and heart. A work in one’s thought life and with one’s emotions that it seems increases in intensity when a person begins or continues to belong to the Lord—whether the person understands this or not.
I didn’t yet recognize the kind of thoughts these evil spirits are responsible for putting into our heads—thoughts related to the names they are called in the Bible. For example, Satan, the chief devil or demon is called the accuser (Revelation 12:10), a liar (John 8:44), the destroyer (Luke 9:39), a thief (John 10:10), the hater of good/God (John 15:24–25), and the enemy of God (Matthew 13:39; Acts 13:10; 1 Peter 5:8).
I didn’t know how to refute or overcome the accusations and lies or half-truths of the evil one. Or how to identify the thoughts the enemy and hater of God—and therefore the enemy and hater of my soul—would plant in my mind to attack and injure my heart. I knew Satan’s accusations of me were partially true. This spirit knew my sins as well or better than I did. But I didn’t understand the whole truth—the rest of story—as described in these verses of scripture:
Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
They triumphed over him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death.
Therefore rejoice, you heavens
and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea,
because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury,
because he knows that his time is short.
(Revelation 12:10–12, bolding is mine)
Also, I had no idea that I needed to “take every thought captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5). Nor did I grasp the importance of adhering to the injunction of the Apostle John (one of Jesus’ special messengers), who urged us “not [to] believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world” (1 John 4:1).
I wasn’t aware that “every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world” (1 John 4:2–3).
I was somewhat familiar with the term “the spirit of the world,” which means something like the “zeitgeist” or spirit of the age and culture in which one lives. I knew it wasn’t wise to believe every ad or commercial, TV or movie character, world leader or politician; but I didn’t know yet that this was just the tip of the iceberg of words and ideologies I should examine before accepting them merely because they felt or sounded good or right to me. I didn’t realize that “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12). Or that, the only way to combat these forces was to spiritually, emotionally, and mentally:
Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. (Ephesians 6:13–18)
I wasn’t aware of how these spiritual truths and guidelines could have protected my mind and spirit and preserved me from years of dwelling in confining mental spaces, believing lies and half-truths about God, myself, and others.
From the start, the Lord began to teach me the truth about who He is and what He says about us and promises us. Still, it took many years before I learned to trust His Word—the truth—rather than my ever-changing, unreliable feelings, thoughts, and beliefs, coming from the inside or without.
Again, one of the first and most significant truths He taught me to hold onto about Himself is that He “will never leave us nor forsake us [His people]” (1 Kings 8:57). He will never forsake “those who know [His] name,” “trust in [Him],” and “seek [Him]” (Psalm 9:10).
Had I trusted that God was always with me, rather than believing my feelings and faulty thoughts, which often indicated that He was not, I could have avoided so many years of torture. Years of often being overwhelmed by the darkness and internal piercings, wounds, and pain that the evil thoughts from the enemy of my soul inflicted on me, as I accepted and believed them. The enemy didn’t only attack through my own mind, but he also attacked through the words of other people—whether the other person meant for their words to be used that way or not.
While living in Hawaii, when I was in a mental world of hurt, when I felt especially bad, I would make time—skipping class, homework, or chores—to take a long walk on the beach or find a private place somewhere along the shore to hang out and write in my journal. It was during these times, if I wasn’t feeling too guilty about skipping class, homework, or chores, that the pure joy of being in God’s glorious creation would uplift and provide a healing balm to my soul.
On these occasions and in other situations where my soul was relieved of all this negative self-reflection, the Lord’s voice could speak to me. I would be refreshed in the love of the Lord once again and return to my former joy. There were enough of these glimpses of the Lord’s love and presence with me to keep me hoping and going forward. From these glimpses, I repeatedly saw that all was not lost. I was not a total write-off.
One of my favorite places was Laie Point. I would go out as far as I could on this rocky peninsula to watch the large waves roll in. There was no reef beyond that point to break the waves before they got to that part of the shore. The waves there were always big. But when the waves were bigger than normal, I would stay back a safe distance to watch them come in. It was joyfully exhilarating to see, hear, and feel the waves come crashing hard onto the rocks. The water and spray would go far up into the air. The sheer power, beauty, and glory of these waves was a continual reminder of God’s far, far greater magnificence and power. Watching the waves calmed my soul wonderfully. Somewhere in me I knew, even if not consciously, that the power and love of God these waves represented, were also in motion “even” for me.
Another place I enjoyed going to was “the bathtub.” It was an area protected by several surrounding reefs where the water was not only warm but also relatively calm. Sitting in the water there, soaking up the sun and beauty of the whole scene was very relaxing to my soul. I often had this spot to myself, while the moms, children, and students who sometimes also “bathed” there were involved elsewhere in chores, work, school, or errands. I could sit in blessed solitude in “the bathtub,” safely writing in my journal or reading a good book with the water softly undulating and splashing around me.
Sometimes I even dared to try doing my homework there. But the water was still moving and swishing around. So keeping a textbook, paper, and a writing device all above water at the same time was a bit much. That effort was hardly ever relaxing and kind of defeated the purpose. Nevertheless, I still had to get my homework done, one way or another, so occasionally I would attempt and sometimes succeed in getting some homework done there.
I began to notice something while I was basking in God’s glorious creative wonders and forces. It was this: chasing after feelings was like chasing after a butterfly. When I was sitting still (spiritually) just enjoying God’s handiwork, or when I was present, with the intent of doing well whatever I was doing, the butterfly of the Lord’s loving presence would come and land, soft and beautiful, on me. I didn’t know how it happened, just that it sometimes did. I couldn’t, through any efforts of my own, replicate these experiences. But I most often felt the Lord’s presence close to me in the great outdoors. So when I especially needed relief, that is where I would go.
The natural beauty of Hawaii and the general warmth of the climate, even in the winter, were conducive to spending a lot of time outside. Students used to joke that their favorite class was “underwater basket weaving.” We all understood that to mean spending time on the beach and in the water. It wasn’t a joking matter to me. I seriously majored in being outside as much as possible. Being out, immersed in the resplendence of God’s creation was a lifeline for me. Of course, like my previous year at university, my grades were reflective of this emphasis.
My depression and desperation not only affected my grades but also defined me. I took myself, others, and everything way too seriously. I was an intense person. One of my coworkers, who liked me a lot and so paid me a fair amount of attention, once observed to me, “You think too much! You need to spend more time enjoying life.” He wasn’t wrong. But I believed thinking was a good and important thing. I wasn’t wrong either. However, I did need to learn balance and discernment. Of course, the Lord was aware of all this and more, even though I wasn’t.
At the end of the first semester, three of the other girls who had lived in our house found better places to stay or left the island. So Janice and I advertised and lined up four new housemates for our second semester—two girls to a room. One of these young women was majoring in psychology and two were majoring in sociology. These three were good friends. The fourth new roommate was a former cheerleader. Janice and I, because of our then somewhat troubled relationship, decided it might be helpful if we didn’t share the same sleeping room. That way we could have some space apart from each other if we needed it. She switched to a different room, and we each got a new roommate.
However, after a week or so, it became apparent that my new roommate, Copper,[*] the psychology major, straight up could not stand me—and she would not give a reason. She refused to talk to me about it. Instead, she adamantly insisted we switch roommates—so we did. I changed rooms, and Angie,[†] one of the girls majoring in sociology, became my new roommate instead.
Unfortunately, this switch in roommates didn’t ease Copper’s intolerance. We were still housemates. In a short time, she had decided not to talk to me anymore—for any reason—at all. She never did explain her reasoning, and to this day I don’t know what about me earned her absolute, total contempt and silence. Though now I could make some educated guesses, I was completely in the dark back then.
As if this wasn’t hard or discouraging enough, several times I came home to find my housemates sitting in the living room talking. But as soon as I opened the door, all talk would cease, and they would awkwardly try to pick up another line of conversation. How could I not know they’d been talking about me? Not only did this make me uncomfortable around them, but it was also terribly painful for me. My living situation was fast becoming unbearable. However, simultaneously, as the Lord is prone to do, He was already working to redeem this situation and bring good out of it.
Of course, one of the sociology majors in that secretive circle of conversation was my roommate, Angie. Angie seemed like a kind, empathetic, compassionate person. She was willing to talk with me. She later apologized for talking about me behind my back and told me she had mainly been speaking up for me, trying to temper Copper’s assessments. But she wouldn’t tell me what Copper was saying about me. She never did. None of my housemates would. I liked Angie, but for a while, I wasn’t sure I could believe anything she said to me because of her loyalty to her friend, Copper.
However, Angie and I did have a few really good talks, and through them, she helped me gain some insight. She observed that no matter where a person is in their walk—and in my case, whether what Copper was saying was true or not—there is still always hope. I should never give up, just because someone else who didn’t know me had given up on me.
She also proposed I really shouldn’t take Copper’s unkindness or silence to heart. She reasoned that “Copper is just a human being. And like all of us, she doesn’t know everything.”
Angie proved genuine. She indirectly affirmed her words and some esteem for me as a person—and for Copper too—when she stopped participating in Copper’s “sessions.” For whatever reason, by the end of that semester, Angie’s friendship with Copper had cooled. They were no longer great friends when we all parted ways. Angie wouldn’t talk about that either. I think she was altogether weary of anything that came even close to back-biting, which I admired even while I still wanted to know why Copper had stopped talking to me and what her justification was for treating me the way she did.
Another housemate, the former cheerleader, Sherry,[‡] took a stance against Copper’s “meetings” more quickly. Though she was initially in on Copper’s confidential conversations, she soon stopped hanging out at the house. She finally moved out of the house altogether to live with some friends before the end of the semester was up.
Meanwhile, whenever she and I were both at the house or when she saw me elsewhere, she went out of her way to be kind and friendly to me. Once, she explained she didn’t like the way our housemates liked to speculate about other people using their psychological and sociological knowledge and potential credentials. She felt it was wrong to use any platform as an excuse to talk about someone behind their back the way our housemates had been doing to me. She empathized with “how much it must hurt” to be treated that way.
I took some encouragement from her kindness as well as Angie’s. But it was limited. Neither Angie nor Sherry seemed to enjoy spending time or talking with me alone. They would often make excuses. It is possible they both wanted to avoid even appearing to be taking sides or backbiting. I didn’t consider this at the time. Angie did invite me to do things with her and other friends a few times. Sherry talked about possibly inviting me places, though she never did. Whatever their reasons were, I felt like—and was—a loner in a house full of chatty girls.
Janice was mostly out of the picture, busy with schoolwork and her job. We rarely saw or spoke with each other anymore. I don’t know how aware she was of the situation at the house, though she had to know some of what was going on. She had to be aware of the changes in room assignments at least.
Through this experience, the Lord taught me several things. One was that the common denominator in all my roommate and housemate troubles, both at BYU Provo and Hawaii, was myself. I was not just an “innocent” victim of unconscionable behavior by others. I was obviously part of each problem. Maybe there was some truth to Copper’s and others’ complaints about me, even as varied as they were. This experience was very humbling. In future conflicts, I couldn’t simply assume I had no responsibility or consider myself an exception or above being part of the problem.
I realized I could be a downer to be around. I knew I came off as a prideful know-it-all sometimes. I was reactionary and thoughtless too often. I could be hyper-critical and misjudge others with the best of them—even if only in my head. Although thoughts like these still come out in the way we treat others.
Going forward, this experience at least helped me to be more compassionate and less immediately and vocally judgmental of others—though I still had a long way to go before I began to realize the depth or breadth of what it means to judge as Jesus taught when He said, “Stop judging by ·the way things look [outward appearances], but judge by ·what is really right [right/just/righteous judgment]” (John 7:24, EXB including EXB notations), and:
Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:1–5, NKJV)
Somehow, this life crisis helped me see, a little, how excessively and negatively self-absorbed I was. However, I still didn’t understand how deeply this tendency was embedded or how to stop it!
After enduring this episode in my life, I was able to stop taking the judgment of other human beings so seriously. I realized that all humans (not just Copper) are short-sighted even in our areas of “expertise.” And that in one regard or another, we all have blind spots (like that certain angle to the side of our vision where we can’t see when driving). These things certainly are true of everyone I know and love, including myself.
I also realized that while Copper and others might be at least partially right in their assessment of me, they also do not have the right to judge how, when, or even what exactly I need to change. No human can fully know this for another. Only the Lord can. No human can see everything about us or our circumstances.
This experience is probably at the root of my deep distrust of not only psychology and sociology, but also any of the sciences, especially when practiced or applied by overly zealous people, no matter how sincere. This includes even the most well-meaning people of any stripe who are extreme or one-sided in their views and practices.
Through the contrasts this experience provided, Copper being one extreme and kind people being the other, my gratitude for being treated with mercy increased. Even though during that semester others besides my roommates and some coworkers had ultimately been very kind to me, I recognized that it is the Lord’s mercy that counts the most. His steady love and mercy helped keep me going more than all others. His was the influence behind the kindness I did receive, even though I didn’t deserve it according to Copper. In time I’ve come to see that He always accepts us where we are and works with us from there when we’re willing to acknowledge we need help. I still had a lot to learn about the Lord and the way He works. But I knew that Copper’s way of cold silence and distance was not His way.
A very important truth about God that it still took me years to learn is that He doesn’t solely find fault with us as the enemy does, but He offers a way of escaping our sinful behavior. He doesn’t impose on us a general feeling of condemnation without relief as the enemy does. He convicts us of specific sin (of commission or omission) and draws us to turn from it to Him for help. Even though conviction from Him hurts, it is worth it if the pain causes us to take our hand off the hot, hurtful stove of our misdeeds. He also never gives conviction without simultaneous encouragement, assurance of mercy, or hope of His real help held out to us.
The enemy only tells one side of the story: condemnation and judgment for sin. God finishes the story: hope and freedom from sin through Jesus. The first is a partial story ending in permanent separation from God and death. Some people call this partial story “reality” or “the real world.” The truth is that this isn’t all there is to the story. The other part that completes the story is the part where Jesus comes in. Where He makes faith in God, repentance, forgiveness, faithfulness to God, and restoration to life possible for us and gives us hope. His part includes resurrection from the dead and eternal life with God. There is a BIG difference between the spirit of evil and the Spirit of God!
Despite all the dark and difficult things I was facing—some self-imposed and some imposed by others—glimmers of God’s love continued to break through. They were often expressed through some exquisite display of unique, creative genius or non-replicable wonders in nature alongside the comforting assurance of His presence. These glimpses of the Lord’s pure light and love, demonstrating He was still with me, even in my dark world, were beyond sweet and steadying to my soul. A time or two, when no one was watching, I let my gladness break out in a carefree dance along the beach in the caressing wind, water, and sunshine. Barefoot, with a happy soul, my feet made crazy tracks. With joy in my heart, I opened my arms wide to receive God’s full embrace. While that moment lasted, I knew that despite my faults and limitations, I was held close and cherished by the God of the universe! And how I would wish later when I was back in a dark place, that I could forever hold onto the feelings that accompanied these experiences.
A short time later in my life, another way the Lord let me know He was watching over me was through vivid dreams of warning. These dreams helped me see realities I couldn’t and sometimes wouldn’t have wanted to see about myself and my relationships. They showed me in a clear way the choices I had before me, which gave me pause and helped change my mind and heart about the path I was on. The path I would have stayed on if left to myself. I knew these dreams were from the Lord; not only because were they real and vivid, remaining with me long after I awoke, but also because they were for my benefit, blessing and spurring me to choose better things.
These dreams were for me alone. They would have seemed like nonsense to anyone else. The Lord knows how to speak to us through words and symbols that have significance to us personally, but that generally wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else. For this reason, I’ll not share what the actual dreams were. But I will tell you relevant aspects and results from one of them.
In one dream Jordan and I were married to each other. It woke me up to the reality of the direction my depression would likely go if I married him and how it might undo our relationship in the long run. This dream didn’t hinder my feelings of affection and friendship toward Jordan, but it did put a check on my spirit. It quieted any desire I’d had toward a more serious commitment with him. At the time, it made me wonder if there was a man who might or could or even should be willing to put up with this tendency in me.
This was before I ever considered or understood that depression might be an ongoing, even life-long, part of my life struggle. While I wondered whether it was fair to impose this aspect of myself on anyone, I sometimes thought, Maybe I shouldn’t marry at all! I don’t know how many times after that dream I weighed on a mental scale the idea of remaining single against that of seeking a life-companion. It was a lot. At that time my LDS beliefs regarding eternal marriage certainly also weighed into the balance toward partnering with a man. He just had to be the “right” man for me.
Nevertheless, not only depression but also bad dating experiences would come along and refresh in me a strong inclination toward the option of remaining single. This happened on an almost regular basis—since all men (and women) regularly prove themselves to be fallible beings.
It would still be several years before I would meet the young man God would give me to marry, and I almost missed having him in my life for this reason. When he first sought me out, I was in the midst of a strong determination to give dating a rest—indefinitely. Thankfully, however, this young man’s kind and gentle approach and a Spirit of mercy from the Lord overcame both my reservations and resolve on this score.
Going Forward
It would still be years beyond that, before I would understand that my identity did not have to be tied to the brokenness I’d inherited or learned. One’s identity should always be in God and in who He through Jesus says we are. At that time, I still didn’t grasp that the potential God sees in each of us is real. Or that it is not dependent on our own current abilities or inabilities—thank God! It is only dependent on one’s positive response to the Lord’s love, help, power, and faithfulness. I couldn’t see how much healing and victory He could, and eventually would, give me despite the strong negative tendencies that had been a part of my life for so long. Even now, though some errant tendencies and flaws remain to be overcome, I’m no longer where I was!
Yes, depression has been a thorn in my flesh since my teen years. And like whatever thorn it was that the Apostle Paul was dealing with during his life, God hasn’t taken it away from me altogether. Sometimes depression still slips in a back door. Sometimes I forget or fail to practice some of the good things the Lord has shown me to help me have full relief.
These things include daily aerobic exercise, which has all kinds of good effects on my body and brain; eating “clean” and getting enough rest; getting enough fresh air and sunshine (or vitamin D3); keeping my environment relatively uncluttered; maintaining a balanced perspective by a comprehensive awareness of issues to avoid extremes of all kinds; and making sure not to isolate but to engage socially and do what it takes to maintain relationships (be a friend).
Though it probably sounds crazy, I am glad for this thorn that has humbled me and made me dependent on the Lord in a way I never would have been otherwise. How can I be glad for such a terrible weakness, this sometimes-debilitating brokenness? It has helped keep me away from false pride and close to the Lord. For these reasons alone it’s been altogether worth it.
There are other reasons too. I would not like to know what I’d be like without something like this to keep me in check. Without it, I would also be deprived of the love and gratitude I have grown to have toward my God—for His wisdom and mercy and so much more! My relationship with God through Jesus is my most treasured and lasting “possession” of all that I have on earth, in heaven, and for the eternity to come.
Yes, back when I began my walk with the Lord I had a long road in front of me. It took a long time for my mind and personal beliefs to be what they are now, and I still have a long way to go. All this has shown me that a relationship with God (as with all other relationships) doesn’t require full understanding or comprehension, first, before it can begin. It doesn’t even require good, biblically-based doctrine or sound theology—though God does immediately begin to teach, transform, and renew our minds and hearts after we are spiritually reborn.
Many Christians have been amazed to learn I was born again while a member of the Mormon church. It’s hard for them to comprehend that my being a member of the LDS Church didn’t keep God, through Jesus, from working in my mind and heart by His Spirit. Some people seem even more amazed that it was the Holy Spirit and not a person, some Bible teacher or evangelist, who eventually led me into a determined search for real biblical, Christ-centered teaching.
I think the reason Christians are surprised by this is because Holy Spirit-inspired biblical teaching is the foundation of the Christian faith. It is the witnesses of Jesus, found both in the Old and the New Testaments that not only points us to Him but also to the God who sent Him. In the Bible, we have God’s incomparable revelation of who He is. A revelation He gave through the children and descendants of Israel, and ultimately through Jesus the Anointed One, or Messiah/Christ.
The most helpful thing of all that the Lord has given me toward overcoming depression and other negative traits are the inspired revelations He has given about Himself, which are compiled and encompassed in the Bible. All of them pointing to their earthly embodiment and fulfillment in and through Jesus. All of them pointing to His love for us and His desire to dwell in, with, and among us forever.
The wonderful response to God that Jesus emulated and gave us in the Beatitudes and the Lord’s Prayer, which most twelve-step programs are based on, has done more to help free me from the tyranny of myself, our fallen world, and spirits of evil than any other “tool” He has given. These responses are based on who God is and teach us how to receive Him and His help through His Spirit. More than anything else, the Beatitudes and the Lord’s Prayer have helped me draw close to the Lord, reminding me of who He is. He wants to be and is always with me.
God’s Word has always been my best, truest, and most faithful help! A Word that is there for anyone willing to receive it. I have surely needed it!
Biblical, Christ-centered teaching has freed me from dark and destructive thoughts and beliefs. The beliefs I assumed and adopted from secular as well as LDS sources are no match for the soundness and truth that are present in God’s Word. It’s been through the in-depth study of and meditation on the Real Bill that I have been able to spot the counterfeits. Studying God’s Word is how I began to develop and grow in discernment. By learning more about who God is, I have also learned to better recognize what thoughts and beliefs truly are of God and which are not.
Of course, in the end, no created being will ever have a full comprehension of its Creator, God. The Lord can only reveal the aspects of Himself we are willing to receive or ready to understand. But, without some right understanding of who He is, we cannot begin to understand who we are. Only He can reveal our true worth and potential or what He made us to be, as we grow in our understanding of Him.
My life has been a witness, to me if no one else, that God is not limited by human-created boundaries, denominations, traditions, or religious exclusions that have been put up to promote and protect human systems and ways of doing things. Ways which can even hinder what God would do by the work of His Spirit in us. My being a Mormon didn’t limit God. Though it did slow my understanding and growth in coming to know Him—in big ways—it didn’t stop God from working.
While I was still ensconced in the LDS Church, God gave me a knowing that came and grew with time through His relationship with me. This knowing mainly came about through Christian disciplines, the pursuit of which put me in a place to hear God’s voice and engendered in me a heart to obey Him. These disciplines, which in some measure LDS Church members learn to practice better or at least more dutifully than many Christians outside LDS bounds, can help draw or keep us closer to the Lord than we would be without them. Disciplines such as the regular keeping of a weekly Sabbath day of rest, monthly fasting, daily prayer, daily scripture reading, weekly communion that LDS people call the Sacrament, and the ongoing payment of tithes (10 percent of one’s income) and offerings (alms). The LDS Church excels at helping people maintain regular—if dutiful—fellowship with and service to others through its various programs.
These spiritual disciplines and others shouldn’t be so rare among Christians outside the Mormon church. They are so very helpful to one’s walk with the Lord. The Lord’s Spirit can only commune with us through our honest, humble prayers; in our prayerful study and meditation on God’s word in the Bible; through our prayerful fasting, giving, serving, and ministering to others’ needs; in our heartfelt, undistracted prayers; within the well-rounded support of community prayers; through prayerful discipleship and mentoring; and in our worshipful celebration and fellowship with other believers espousing a grateful and prayerful attitude—did I mention prayer? Practicing spiritual disciplines with a prayerful heart can help in immeasurable ways to bring us into greater unity in God’s Spirit.
Jesus urges us to stay connected to the Vine (Himself). Relationship with Him requires that we respond by keeping in touch and communicating with, listening to, and following Him in loving obedience. This means real back-and-forth communication. This is what helps keep me connected with Jesus in faith, helps me to grow in my walk with Him, and helps me to learn more about Him, His heart, and His will. I’m pretty sure that without this, the mountain of false beliefs I was trying to walk under at one time would have fallen on me and crushed me.[2]
All God’s words about Himself from the Bible Testaments are medicine that has helped heal and make me whole when I have taken them in by means of His Spirit. My best medicine is and has always been God’s very self—His Presence with me. The knowledge of God, by His Spirit and His Presence with me, through Jesus is His greatest gift to me ever. Being close to Him has always given me more victory and freedom than anything else. No matter what my life’s struggle has been, He has been with me. He has been and continues to be my salvation. I rely on and believe in Him with all my heart because He has been and continues to be faithful. This has been and continues to be my experience.
As the Lord has opened and transformed the eyes of my mind more and more to help me see the truth of who He is, the less and less power bad habits, tendencies, and evil thoughts or beliefs have over me. He is the Real Deal. The more I study and learn about Him, the more the truth of who He is exposes what is false and illuminates the darkness. He is the Light of my life, and I love Him for it.
You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
(Psalm 18:28)
THE END
(of this part of my story)
[*] Not her real name
[†] Not her real name.
[‡] Not her real name.
[1] See Deut. 31:6, 8; Josh. 1:5; John 10:27–29; Heb. 13:5
[2] An image from: Pilgrim’s Progress, by John Bunyan, 1628–1688.
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